[insert witty comment here]

[winterophelia]

And, go.

After much jubilation and fun, I may be back at the beginning of the cycle-depression, worry, unrequited love, excessive empathy, longing for the past, and fear of the future. I had a long internal discussion with a smushed roll of toilet paper in the hallway this evening. It looked sad and I foisted my own troubles on it, perhaps wrongfully so, in hopes that at least one of us would come out of this feeling better. I’m not sure either of us did.

I mean, some of it is the usual crap-boy things, work, stupid school politics-but in addition to that is this overwhelming feeling of dread that something is going to go terribly terribly wrong in the near future. The overwhelming scent of pot isn’t doing very much to alleviate my feelings and is only perpetuating my annoyance with the people surrounding me. Anyway, I have no idea where I’m headed, what I’m doing, how I’m getting there, or any other factors in the direction of “my future.” I live day to day, my state of mind hinged on the love and affection my friends give me. I have long term plans, sure-finish the comic, do other school things, go home, work, visit Maya, go to Hypericon-but if I were to never reach these goals, I don’t think I’d notice at this point.

The scary part is I really have no idea what sparked this. Sammi’s grandmother’s passing made me think about my remaining grandparents and the heartbreaking situation there, and then of my own parents, who are older than most of my peers’ parents, especially my father who’s health condition has been somewhat shaky for the past few years, though he’s been doing better recently, I suppose. I’m afraid that something’s going to happen to him if he drives to Beloit to pick me up at the end of this year, but then again, this fear is probably irrational. Perhaps I’ve started dwelling too much on the people I’ve scooted aside somewhat in the past few months as well as the people I haven’t talked to in quite sometime, like Zeke and Andrew. Maybe it has to do with the usual crap. Could it be the non-existent romantic mush I’ve landed myself in and can't not think about? Am I just really stressed out about school work and am expressing it in a really unhealthy way? What if I’m just fed up with college all together and this is a violent psychological wake up call?

That feeling like I want to cry until I vomit has come back. I really want it to go away, plzkthx. I need to get out of this mindset. I need to stop digging deeper and deeper, as I seem to be doing. I need to stop caring about the little things and focus on what’s important. Maybe if I let it all out in one big mess it’ll be over. I might try that actually, what bad can it do, really?

Okay, I’m done.


Isn't it funny how much more often one posts when they're depressed?

Comments

[chibijelly.livejournal.com]

I love you. ♥

[69sofine.livejournal.com]

you need to come home and see me and reid together. it will make you forget you were ever unhappy.

[thalion1.livejournal.com]

I feel underwhelmed with school, love, and life in general. We should have an Emo party. But, like, online, so we can still be alone while we party. it would be the ultimate mesh of Anti-social behavior and depression, in party form!